Fighting an ego


It is so difficult to deal with it!

A monster that stands in my way between me and you, hiding you from me. One that wants me to fight it and see me succumb to the last remaining whim and fancy that it has. It wants to see me lying down crippled on the floor – subdued and surrendered. It wants to see me pressed under its thumb with my limbs struggling to hold on to some last remaining piece of hope and my breath falling short every instant. It wants to enjoy seeing me breathe my last.

But I refuse to give up. Because I know at the back of my mind that however alien this monster may seem to me, it is nothing but a distorted and amplified coagulation of your other side. An abstract summation of all your unfulfilled fancies that took this shape and stood in between us. Inseparable from you. Surpassing your real identity and making you look as if you are someone else. I refuse to give up. Because I know that it is just your ego. Just your ego!

I too have a monster like this. But I have not let it loose. It never comes out in front of my loved ones. It never hides me from all those who love me. My ego is my slave and not my master. Just the other way around – did you notice? Therefore, even when I fight alone with your monster, it knows that it must not come out and hide my struggle. It knows that clash of two such monsters leads to differences in individuals. Differences that don’t diminish. Differences that increase with every passing moment. It knows and accompanies me in all the struggle against your ego. Because it knows that I have to hold on and be the one that is more responsible of the two; without unleashing my anger.

A muscle ruptures, backbone cracks and I still find myself struggling against your ego. Your face is faintly visible behind it. Expressionless. I fail to understand who is more constrained, me or you? Even if I fall this once, you will remain a prisoner for life. Even if I give up and your ego lets me die, you would still remain in shackles with its burden growing upon you every instant. Even with my bones broken under the burden of your ego, you will find me smiling because I would have succumbed trying to reach a loved one. On the contrary, you will find yourself demented and weak. Pretending to be stubborn and free, turning upside down the world around you as per your desires, but always hiding the pain of that unknown something that burdens your heart. You will fail to understand why is there an expression of satisfaction on my face even after I have lost every physical commodity. The burden of your ego and my contentment will make you cry… Eventually.

And that is just what I don’t want.

Because the moment you cry… I will lose.

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